What's the deal with graduation speeches?

My neighbor three doors down graduated from high school last week and my mom made me go to the dumb ceremony. Nothing like hearing 500 names of people you don’t know called out while sitting on a metal bleacher bench in a million degree heat. My neighbor’s last name is “Best,” so he was called early, so I really didn’t have anything to look forward to the rest of the way.
But what I really hated was the old guy who gave a speech. I think it was supposed to be inspirational, but it was really just a bunch of nonsense. I took a few notes on the most glaring problems:
-This class is the future? Wow, that’s a lot of pressure. What about last year’s graduating class? I guess they were just a bunch of losers. I guess the junior class can just take it easy since the future is all taken care of.
-These graduates are a gathering of the best and the brightest? No, they all happened to have been born the same year and share geographic proximity. Move the district line over a quarter mile and half the class would be going to the rival they hate so much.
-He expects great things from this class? Statistically speaking, with 500 people here, it is inevitable that at least one will go to prison, several will have drug abuse problems, and the number of had hair cut choices will be numerous . If he calls that “great,” he needs a new dictionary.
-“To thine own self be true”? – What does that mean? And why are you using the pronoun “thine”? How about joining us in the 21st century, gramps?